Soaking Up Love

As I welcome this Valentine’s morning, I’m thinking about our first daughter, Anaya, in light of a beautiful article written by Ann Voskamp.  In it, she said, “The reward of loving is in the loving; loving is itself  the greatest outcome of loving.”

You see, Anaya is a unique little girl.  All her own, like no one else.

When we brought Anaya home from China over two years ago, we were at the end of a seven-year wait.  We welcomed her into our family of six- Chris, myself, and our four biological sons.  Our youngest son, seven at that time, was a brand-new baby when we began our adoption journey.  And as time stretched on and our boys moved on from diapers and sippy cups to climbing trees and spelling tests, we wondered if our daughter, whomever she was, would ever come home.

Our waiting stretched on and on because we were waiting for a girl with “no known medical conditions.” 18 months marched on to two years, which finally became, “We will let you know when your paperwork is about to expire and needs to be updated.”  Both my husband and myself wondered if it would happen, and honestly, let the dream go. A dream, by the way, which was built on an actual dream. When I was pregnant with our youngest son, I dreamt that we had a boy and adopted two girls from China. Six months later, my previously unconvinced husband had a vision of two Chinese girls… and we began the adoption process.

In August of 2012, I found myself crying in the dressing room of Target when our adoption agency finally called to tell us we had been matched to a three and a half year old little girl.  We raced to Denver to see her pictures and sign acceptance paperwork.  At that time, we had no idea what would transpire over the next 5 months…

It is a long story, and this is the gist.  In January 2013, two months after we got home, Anaya underwent genetic blood-testing and was diagnosed with a rare chromosomal disorder.  As my husband and I read what little information we could find and met with doctors, our new reality began to take form.  I came face to face with my yet-unrealized dream of empty-nesting one day and moving on to an stage of unattached adventure with my husband.  It is unlikely that Anaya will ever gain independence as an adult.

And then, as I wept and reeled, I came face to face with another realization.  I was crying less for her and more for myself.  Less for the dreams she may never see fulfilled and more for the dreams that I may never see fulfilled. My self-focus slapped me in the face.

Don’t worry. We aren’t beating ourselves up.  It is normal and healthy to mourn the loss of a dream.  But at some point, we have to move on.  And not just to another dream… we must move on to a more meaningful reality.  And this brings me back to love on this cloudy Valentine’s Day.

My husband and I both believe that Anaya’s is God’s special and specific gift to our family… but what does that mean, really, for our daily lives?  My husband, through tears, shared a new insight that he had recently come to understand.  He is a “get it done, make progress, check off that box” kind of guy.  A mover and a shaker. A doer. And you know what? I love that about him because God has gifted him to lead a family of eight and there are mountains we have climbed.  Mountains around which, if I was leading, we’d be forever circling the base.  But this also makes loving a little more difficult, because sometimes love can be measured in terms of production.  If I feed “love” into this person, what will it produce for me?  Something clicked for my husband.  God gave us Anaya to teach us to love… simply love.  To kiss, and hug, and read stories with.  To slow our pace and soak her up. Soak up the love that just oozes out of her.  She, who has difficulty speaking, beckons us and pats the couch, just wanting us to be with her, watching Curious George.

What a picture of God’s love.  He beckons and pats the couch and says, I love you.  I want you… Simply you, not what you produce for Me.

And so this morning, as I read Ann Voskamp’s words again, “The reward of loving is in the loving; loving is itself the greatest outcome of loving,” I think I’m starting to get it.

~Happy Valentine’s Day~