Barefaced Beautiful -

Make the Shift

January 19, 2016

I’m trying to make it. Make the shift.

We are through the holidays and well into the New Year. Hello, 2016. Ready or not, here you came. I was in a spinning class today and the instructor asked us if we had all had a good New Year. Wasn’t that, like, 100 years ago already?

My 40th birthday is breathing down my neck, and I have happy-sad feelings about it. Thank you, Jesus! Everyone in my family has survived my early parenting and wife-ing (not a word, but if you can parent, you can wife) years. I have a driving teenager and we are coming up on 19 blessed years of marriage this summer. So, there’s the happy part! I don’t feel like a newbie anymore, and that feels good. I am excited that my number of years is starting to match up a little more appropriately with my number of children. (40 years, 6 kids… that’s a good year-to-kid ratio, right?)

The sad part… the dawning realization that, darn-it, life isn’t getting any easier. In fact, it feels more challenging. (Or maybe that is just God’s grace helping me forget what having four small children and a relatively young marriage was like?) Anyway, my challenges are beginning to parallel my aging body. Sad, right?

Then again, maybe not so sad… not if I can make the shift.

Each of us knows what it is like to have that “thing” that you are waiting for. That experience, that goal achieved, that hope fulfilled, that will satisfy the deeper longing for peace and meaning- the rest- that we all seek. It could be as simple and temporal as making it to the weekend and hanging with friends to watch the game. Maybe it’s a dream vacation, a promotion, or a relationship. For me, it’s when it’s my turn to get paid back for the time and service given to my family.

And until we get there, we hang in the balance.

Joy sucked out of our souls and suspended in front of us,

like a horse running for that carrot hanging just out of reach.

There are those of us who have achieved that elusive “thing.” For a while, we bask in the glow. And then, as we get farther away from the fire of the experience, we begin to grow cold and seek out new warmth. What’s the next goal? What’s the next experience? And then off we go again, chasing another carrot, often dragging our loved ones along with us.

And for the person who experiences this cycle often enough, a chill settles in when it sinks in that, quite possibly, this is never-ending. Unless… he or she makes the shift.

So, here I am, personally trying to make the shift.

The shift, simply put, is a change in perspective. A change in focus. Ta-Da! Exciting, right? (I can almost hear you groaning, but stick with me!)

Back to my personal horserace. I am running, running hard and fast because life is hard and fast. And, so stinking long. It’s a long race, right? So, of course, I look to the carrot to drive me on. I have to have the carrot as a reward for the running. But the problem is, the carrot, that experience I mentioned above, does not satisfy. In fact, it only makes me more hungry. I want another carrot… and this time I want it ground up and mixed with flour, sugar and butter! And topped with cream cheese frosting!

Have you reached the place in life where beautiful, rewarding experiences and relationships just stir up more longing? I have. I need to look past the carrot. Past the payback.

I need to SHIFT. Shift my gaze from the carrot to the finish line. It’s coming, people. And as long as the race can feel, we also feel the pressure of time passing at warp speed.

We were created to long for satisfaction.

And guess what! What we are longing for is NOT a carrot. Not even carrot cake. This shift I’m making is forcing me to acknowledge that people and experiences cannot satisfy me. Heaven, that soon approaching place for those of us who know Jesus, is satisfaction. [*See note below] It’s the Finish Line. The crazy thing is that rather than causing me to feel weary or depressed, this shift in perspective is actually bringing me freedom and joy. I am becoming free from needing people, places, and experiences to fill me up. Beginning to let go of those expectations is so refreshing.

Do you need a shift, too?

If a carrot comes your way, by all mean, enjoy it. Just don’t expect it to fill you up.

Look to the Finish Line.

*Note: I am aware that as I send this post out into cyberspace, there may be people who read this who don’t believe in Jesus and the existence of Heaven. If that’s you, I guess I would just offer a question to consider… Have you ever had the experience of something that you thought would fill you up not satisfying you? What do you think that is all about? Why is it that if there is nothing beyond this world, it seems so hard to be satisfied- permanently satisfied, by things this world can offer?

The Un-Undoable

October 6, 2015

This time last week, I was mourning something un-undoable. I was crying over the still body of our family dog, Bax. We live on property, and I hit him with the car as he raced me down our driveway.

Such regret. Such sadness. A horrible sick feeling in my belly, knowing that soon I would be telling our children what had happened. Thankfully, our girls are too young to understand the loss, but for our boys, ages 10-16, this would be heart-breaking news.

And it was. Their hearts, and my husband’s and mine, were broken.

Physical death is the ultimate un-undoable. The finality of it, and knowing I had caused it, pierced my heart. The last time I had personally experienced death was when I was with my grandmother when she passed away. We knew her death was approaching and it was a beautiful, excruciating experience as we sang her into the presence of Jesus. Bax’s death was different. I know he was “just a dog,” so I was surprised at how deeply I felt the loss. I was crying in my sleep last night, and my gut tells me I’m still processing his death, as is the rest of my family. I do wonder, however, if it’s not so much the loss of Bax, as loss in general, that we are grieving. Our hearts have been pricked and we are more aware of the fragility of life and our lack of control. We want life to be a certain way, and it’s just not.

Through this experience, I feel like I have had a very small glimpse of what unexpected, tragic loss feels like. I’m certainly not equating the death of our dog with the loss of a loved one – I can’t imagine what that would be like with a human being. I would like to think I would be strong, but I wonder…

Have you experienced the un-undoable? The fragility of life? Something your mind could possibly work out, but your heart may always struggle to understand? Peace. Hope. Strength. Rest. Comfort. Help. May these be yours when answers elude you and pain is very present. May Jesus hold you up and hem you in when the reality of our lack of control comes raging at your door and the hole in your heart and home feels irreparable.

I have no advice for you. I don’t feel qualified to speak to your loss, except to say that I’m so, so sorry. I can only offer prayers and Scripture, and hope to be found in life beyond the physical and a time when all the things we don’t understand will fit into place through Jesus. The Bible says that Jesus conquered sin and death when He died on the cross. The Bible speaks of life beyond un-undoable physical death.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 46:1

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” 1 Corinthians 15:53-54

Much love to you.

Just Pretend It’s Sunday

September 28, 2015

I’m just going to do it.

I haven’t posted since May, so that makes this post seem especially important, and therefore, especially difficult to write.

Ahhh! The pressure! (I know I needn’t feel this way, but I do.)

Ok. I’m moving on now…

My summer, just like yours I’m sure, absolutely flew by and here we are approaching October. I love Fall. I love the crisp air, the falling leaves and the smell of the earth. What I don’t love is what typically happens when school starts. Imagine a scene with me:

It’s 4:45 pm and the sun is coming in the window at a slanted angle. Girls are on the couch snacking and watching a show, younger boys have finished homework and are playing with the neighbors. Older boys are working at the dairy. The house is not clean, but definitely “good-enough.” I’ve accomplished what I could for the time-being if I set reasonable expectations, and my husband will be coming home soon. Nothing terribly wrong here, right?

Oh wait. Did I mention that it’s Monday??

This typical scenario was a recent occurrence for me, but add in that I could feel anxiety building in my belly because it was Monday. It was a weekday.

I put my hand on my belly, took a breath and tried to determine what would be causing anxiety. And then I realized that I was dreading what was to come next. Making dinner, corralling people with the intension of enjoying a meal together, launching into the evening bedtime routine, and then attacking one or two more things that I hadn’t had an opportunity to accomplish earlier.

So, essentially, I had finished my day job and was getting ready to start my night job. Bleh. No wonder I felt anxious and slightly depressed.

Whether you are a stay-at-home mom, work-from-home mom, or a go-to-work mom, you know what I’m talking about. Basically, you work all day, and then guess what? You get to work some more! (And notice I did say “get”, because having a family is definitely a blessing…)

I needed help! I didn’t want to feel anxious or overwhelmed. Granted, there are a few easy outs occasionally (a.k.a ordering pizza), but really there is no long-term escape. Moms have a ton of work to do, and if we aren’t careful, days just run together in a never-ending cycle.

And being perfectly good, like He is, the Lord gave me help. He whispered to my heart,

“Just pretend it’s Sunday.“

Let me tell you, Just pretend it’s Sunday, has been transformational for me. I love it when God knows just what I need. Or rather, when I KNOW that He knows just what I need.

I plan to rest on Sundays. I still fix food, especially for the girls. (Although I don’t typically cook fresh dinners on the weekends. We just pull out left-overs and have something Chris’s family calls a “pick dinner”- pick what you want and eat it!) On Saturday, I make sure my calendar is clear for Sunday and look at Monday so I can prep mentally. As much as possible, I try to be off home-work duty by telling my boys to ask me for help before Sunday. I engage the kids, but use the girls’ nap time to do whatever the heck I want. Watch T.V. Cross-stitch. Sleep. Snuggle a boy or the dog. Read.

I love Sundays. I LOVE that God told me to just pretend it’s Sunday.

So, how have I implemented this concept, and why I am I sharing it?

Here’s the how:

Basically, I have cut way back on my daily to-do list. I have all the regular responsibilities involved in taking care of my family, my home and myself, and then I add on one or two extra things. Today, I’m writing this post. Anaya gets home from school around 4:10, and at that point, I’m transitioning into my daily Sunday night. Anything I haven’t accomplished gets deleted from my calendar or moved to another day when I think I’ll be able to do it. Then, I “come home” from work. I’m done working for the day… I move into the time of day where I enjoy the people I love. That does involve cooking dinner, but something about telling myself that I’m now just loving my family and prepping to enjoy them has really made a difference for me. I do things that I might do on Sunday like drink a glass of wine while I cook or lay down on the couch for a little bit if I’m worn out. After dinner, we put the girls to bed, and I rest before we go to bed. No more work. No more e-mails. No more laundry. No more cleaning. I do something that feels relaxing or fun. Usually it looks like chilling with Chris and watching a little television, working on a craft, or doing my nails.

Here’s the why:

I’m sharing this because I’ve gone from 27 hours of hired help and my super helpful mother-in-law living with us to – nothing! No extra help. I thought I was going to die and instead, here I am thriving. Thank you, Jesus! This Sunday night mentality has blessed me and my family richly, and I hope it helps you, too. I pray for grace and mercy if you feel like you can never stop working. I pray for the extra help you need (I so understand seasons of needing extra help!!) and the courage to cut out life-sucking “stuff”- whatever your “stuff” happens to be.

Feeling Like a Sand Castle

May 1, 2015

This morning I am feeling a little weak, a little temporary. In the recent past, I felt rooted and confident of success in an area of long-term struggle, but now I am feeling insecure again. My castle was built… and a wave came and knocked it down.

Sometimes I like to be vague regarding what I am struggling with so that as people read my thoughts, it is easier for them to apply what the Lord speaks to them to their specific situation. But this morning, I think I should just be straight up and honest about where I am at. I am so tired of talking and thinking about this, but here it is, in my face again. Food… eating and weight gain.

Yesterday morning I was reading an entry from Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. She writes from the perspective of what the Lord might be saying. She writes, “The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My power is made perfect in weakness.”

She’s right. As soon as I think, “I got this!” things start to crumble again and I think, “I DON’T got this!” It’s so frustrating. I don’t want to struggle and have to figure this out again. I want to be like a fortress that can withstand any attack.

And then I read one of the Scriptures Sarah referred to in the devotional, and the Lord gave me a beautiful picture:

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NASB)

The Lord spoke to my heart and showed me that if I were a fortress, a cement block, I could stand alone. It is better to be like a sand castle, which is molded and then toppled by a wave. As the sand castle melts into the water, there can indeed be rejoicing in that weakness. In fact, my weakness is beautiful, because each time I am toppled, I can be remolded- I can be touched by the hand of God.

And here’s another beautiful truth… I started crying when the Lord helped me see another aspect of this. When I am toppled by a wave, then I am dispersed into the world. We are sand, and when we become wet, our broken castles spread out and touch others’ broken castles.

So, I’ve been pondering, how does this sand castle concept actually work in real life?

~ If I am like sand, I need to acknowledge and accept that life is about becoming more mature in Christ, not about pursuing cement-like perfection in different areas of struggle.

~ As I am being molded and then melted over and over, God is mercifully and lovingly maturing me AND allowing my weaknesses to be His way of touching others’ lives through me.

~ I must choose a “Home Base.” Sand castles have two options: Be built on the water line and later washed away, or be built farther away from the water and crumble in the heat. Washed or Crumbled- that’s it.

I WANT TO BE WASHED BY THE WATER.

Being washed by the water is the vital component to being constantly remolded by the Lord and touching the lives of others.

And what is the water?

The Word of God.

I don’t want to struggle forever with food choices. But rather than despairing, I will wash my heart in the water of God’s word, get on my knees and embrace His next level of molding. I guess there is more work he wants to do here. And I WILL rejoice, because I believe that He will somehow use my melting to touch others’ broken castles.

In Wonderment, but Not Surprised

April 9, 2015

Wonderment: a state of awed admiration or respect

Surprised: Being in a state of mild astonishment or shock because of something unexpected.

Who would have thought that an undelivered package would be the avenue through which God would so clearly show His presence and His provision? I am in wonderment, but not surprised.

It was Thursday morning last week. My husband, daughter and I were at my friend’s house in New Zealand ordering some things online to bring home to our other children, whom we left in Colorado. (Okay, and some items for ourselves, too!) We were leaving the next Tuesday and although the timeline was a little tight, my friend was fairly certain we would receive the items before we left.

On Monday, I walked up to the mailbox several times on their beautiful property, beginning to think we would need to leave some money for them to ship the items to us after our departure. It wasn’t a huge deal, but I was hoping to have gifts to bring home to our kids and to avoid the hassle of having to ask our friends to ship them to us. So, as I am learning to do, I just asked the Lord: “Lord, please help those things come before we leave.”

What brings a smile to my face is that God is teaching me to ask Him, and then turn my worries over to Him. What better place to practice that than in a matter that was seemingly so small? I felt peaceful.

He wants me to approach Him with Open-Handed Expectation.

Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to trust You with something little.

I know You are good; I know You provide…

I leave it up to You to determine the best way to do it!

I expect Your goodness,

but trust You to determine what Your goodness looks like.

That night, my friend approached me. “You know,” she said, “I don’t think this will happen, but remind me as we drive through town tomorrow to look and see if there is a red courier truck at the post office. It’s unlikely, but if there is one there, it could be that your things are on the truck.”

With her car loaded down with our bags, we headed to the airport the following morning… without our package. We left early so we could stop by a store before she dropped us at the airport. We also had to make a stop to drop her son at a friend’s house before we headed through the small town, Palmerston, closest to their sheep farm, and then off to Dunedin and the airport. As we drove through Palmerston, I reminded my friend about the post office. As we drove up, there was actually a red truck parked out front. We began to get excited when we realized that is was just the regular mail truck. Bummer!

Then, as we paused in front of the post office, what comes driving up right behind us? And I actually mean, literally, right behind us? A red courier van.

We explained to the driver that we were headed to the airport, and would he mind checking if there was a delivery on his truck for us? He was happy to oblige, and a few minutes later, we were holding our package. There was only about a 10-minute time frame during which that would have been possible, and the Lord placed us right there at that moment.

I was in wonderment, but I was not surprised.

I was in a state of awed admiration and respect for the Lord, but not astonished or shocked, because, well, God is good. Does He always say yes? No… because yes isn’t always for our best. But He often says yes, and I just absolutely love that He chose such a CLEAR way to reveal His yes in that moment.

It reminds me of the Israelites and one of the times they needed water in Exodus 17. God knew that, and He would provide it. But he didn’t lead them right to an oasis where they would say, “Ah, look what we have here! That’s perfect!” That would have been simply a neat provision. Perhaps the Israelites may not have even recognized it as from the Lord. No! He let them get a little desperate, and then blew their socks off by the provision of water gushing miraculously out of a rock. I believe God doesn’t just want to provide, He wants us to find Him in His provision.

Are you waiting on anything right now? The answer to your personal hope or need may be yes, no, or wait… I don’t know. But I do know that we can look- look for His perfect provision with open-handed expectation. In the mean time, recount the Lord’s goodness in past provisions- be they at the mailbox, shipped by a friend, or delivered by red courier van.

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.

Over the Threshold

March 14, 2015

I had a dream this week that I was a passenger in a car that was racing wildly over a a bridge. Underneath us the water churned and the road was upheaving as we drove over it. It was like we were in the middle of an earthquake, and we were trying to get over the bridge as it buckled and rose up in some places and fell in others. I felt like we weren’t going to make it across, but we had to, and we did…

Do you know about the incident in the Old Testament when Moses sent the 12 spies into Canaan to learn about the land and the people in it? After 40 days of exploration, the spies returned to the Israelites at Kadesh to report:

^“They gave Moses this account: ‘We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there. The Amalekites live in the Negev; the Hittites, Jebusites and Amorites live in the hill country; and the Canaanites live near the sea and along the Jordan.’

Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, ‘We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.’

But the men who had gone up with him said, ‘We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.’ And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, ‘The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.'” Numbers 13:27-33

I am studying the life of Moses in Bible Study Fellowship. After we have studied a passage, the lead teacher, Karen, speaks on it. Karen made a statement about the incidence with the spies that has impacted me deeply. She said, “God brings us to the threshold of his goodness.” The Israelites were right at the doorstep of the Promised Land, but they were scared, discouraged, and angry. Maybe they had it in their minds that they wanted to be carried over the threshold, like a groom carries his bride. But they would have to fight their way over, empowered by the very hand of God.

The Lord had brought them to the threshold of His goodness, and they decided not to step over into it.

The Isrealites ended up wandering in the desert for 40 more years because of their lack of faith. But the story doesn’t end there. DID YOU KNOW THAT GOD GIVES US SECOND CHANCES?? Can I get an amen?? Get this… After all that wandering, the Lord brought them back to Kadesh. He brought them back to the very place they had failed so miserably to begin again the conquest of the Promised Land. And the second time around, they did step over the threshold.

I’ve been pretty open on this blog about my health journey. I have made great progress, but recently as I have encountered stress, I have become aware that I am still in desert places where I thought I had already crossed into the Promised Land. How discouraging is that, right? But amazingly, I am actually excited!! God has brought me back to the place where I have previously failed. Yes, I have seen progress, but not the full freedom He has in store for me. I feel like He is saying, “You’re right there, Kristin. Push through. I’m with you and I have more freedom and joy in store for you.” He’s brought me back to the threshold of His goodness.

Threshold. I love this word and all it represents.

THRESHOLD:

~A point of entry or beginning

~The magnitude or intensity that must be exceeded for a certain reaction, phenomenon, result, or condition to occur or be manifested.

In my dream, we were crossing the threshold, entering a new place. But the magnitude and intensity of the crossing is what sticks with me. I remember the driver accelerating to get over the upheaving road before the opportunity was lost. There was no time for delay or uncertainty.

Where are you at today? Do you feel like you are on the edge of the Promised Land, ready to cross the threshold? Let’s pray together… Lord, help us to hear You! Help us hear… What? When? How? And then help us be confident and courageous because, the Driver of that car taking it’s wild ride over the bridge? It’s You. And with You, Lord, all things are possible.

Do I Believe?

February 21, 2015

Do I believe? Do I believe God keeps His promises? This question has surfaced three times over the last week, which means I should dig a little deeper into it. The answer? Yes!

And no, too.

Yesterday, it looked like “no.” As I fought with my husband and sent him off on a week-long trip, saying goodbye through tears and gritted teeth, it looked like no. I hated that.

The night before, Chris and I got in a scuffle when an old issue regarding parenting little ones came up again. I say “old issue” because we’ve done this “little kid thing” before. Our oldest is driving and our youngest is a determined two-year-old. It’s like putting on dirty socks. They are familiar… and stinky.

Anyway, I chewed him out and we went quietly to bed. The next morning, yesterday, Chris approached me to apologize and ask forgiveness, and I just wasn’t there. I told him I didn’t want to have to forgive him for this offense anymore. Yikes. That makes me feel a little sick just typing that… in black and white I can see the hypocrisy seeping out. (Ummm, just had to take a moment there to ask my hubby to forgive me for being unforgiving.)

Sometimes in a heated moment it is hard to see straight because there are other issues beneath the surface. For me, that was true. Actually, there were two more layers. One was a challenging situation I’m currently in, and the other (it seems like this is always the case) is my current food choices. Wouldn’t it be great if negative emotions and responses were isolated to one simple occurrence or experience? Then we would be able to easily straighten ourselves out! But, that’s just not the case. We are like onions and spider webs, with all sorts of experiences and issues layering on top of one another and intertwining.

So, what are we to do when we feel all mixed up? I guess, as an end comes loose or a layer peels back, take a hold of it and ask the Lord to walk you through it. And don’t worry about the rest.

Back to believing God. Do I believe He loves me? Do I believe He will meet my needs? Do I believe He is in control of my life and that even (especially!) the hard things are working towards a greater purpose… a purpose designed for good? There are promises in The Word regarding all three of these questions:

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Matthew 6:25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you -you of little faith?So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

In light of these promises, what do I do with my “oniony” day yesterday? I’m praying, “Lord, I DO believe! HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF!” (Mark 9:24) My husband is headed off on a trip, I’m (was!) mad at him, I’m trudging through a challenging situation, and my body is grumpy from not eating well recently. Help me believe that YOU are with me. You are for me. You have provided for me.

I believe that God wants to change my heart in this way. He wants to strengthen me when I am weak. He will, I believe it, when I press into Him.

*One important note. I do want to clarify that I am not advocating pretending that we are Pollyanna and that all is well, no matter what. That isn’t belief. That’s insanity. Life is hard. Real life is painful, sometimes. Belief, to me, is acknowledging my layers and the sticky web, and believing that God loves me and will provide for me in that. Belief is not gritting my teeth and trying to be strong. Belief is acknowledging that I (and those around me) have weaknesses and that we need help. Belief is being willing to ask for that help and knowing there will be, there is, a provision based upon God’s promises.*

Do you know God’s promises? Do I?

Lord, I believe You… Help me overcome my unbelief.

Soaking Up Love

February 14, 2015

As I welcome this Valentine’s morning, I’m thinking about our first daughter, Anaya, in light of a beautiful article written by Ann Voskamp. In it, she said, “The reward of loving is in the loving; loving is itself the greatest outcome of loving.”

You see, Anaya is a unique little girl. All her own, like no one else.

When we brought Anaya home from China over two years ago, we were at the end of a seven-year wait. We welcomed her into our family of six- Chris, myself, and our four biological sons. Our youngest son, seven at that time, was a brand-new baby when we began our adoption journey. And as time stretched on and our boys moved on from diapers and sippy cups to climbing trees and spelling tests, we wondered if our daughter, whomever she was, would ever come home.

Our waiting stretched on and on because we were waiting for a girl with “no known medical conditions.” 18 months marched on to two years, which finally became, “We will let you know when your paperwork is about to expire and needs to be updated.” Both my husband and myself wondered if it would happen, and honestly, let the dream go. A dream, by the way, which was built on an actual dream. When I was pregnant with our youngest son, I dreamt that we had a boy and adopted two girls from China. Six months later, my previously unconvinced husband had a vision of two Chinese girls… and we began the adoption process.

In August of 2012, I found myself crying in the dressing room of Target when our adoption agency finally called to tell us we had been matched to a three and a half year old little girl. We raced to Denver to see her pictures and sign acceptance paperwork. At that time, we had no idea what would transpire over the next 5 months…

It is a long story, and this is the gist. In January 2013, two months after we got home, Anaya underwent genetic blood-testing and was diagnosed with a rare chromosomal disorder. As my husband and I read what little information we could find and met with doctors, our new reality began to take form. I came face to face with my yet-unrealized dream of empty-nesting one day and moving on to an stage of unattached adventure with my husband. It is unlikely that Anaya will ever gain independence as an adult.

And then, as I wept and reeled, I came face to face with another realization. I was crying less for her and more for myself. Less for the dreams she may never see fulfilled and more for the dreams that I may never see fulfilled. My self-focus slapped me in the face.

Don’t worry. We aren’t beating ourselves up. It is normal and healthy to mourn the loss of a dream. But at some point, we have to move on. And not just to another dream… we must move on to a more meaningful reality. And this brings me back to love on this cloudy Valentine’s Day.

My husband and I both believe that Anaya’s is God’s special and specific gift to our family… but what does that mean, really, for our daily lives? My husband, through tears, shared a new insight that he had recently come to understand. He is a “get it done, make progress, check off that box” kind of guy. A mover and a shaker. A doer. And you know what? I love that about him because God has gifted him to lead a family of eight and there are mountains we have climbed. Mountains around which, if I was leading, we’d be forever circling the base. But this also makes loving a little more difficult, because sometimes love can be measured in terms of production. If I feed “love” into this person, what will it produce for me? Something clicked for my husband. God gave us Anaya to teach us to love… simply love. To kiss, and hug, and read stories with. To slow our pace and soak her up. Soak up the love that just oozes out of her. She, who has difficulty speaking, beckons us and pats the couch, just wanting us to be with her, watching Curious George.

What a picture of God’s love. He beckons and pats the couch and says, I love you. I want you… Simply you, not what you produce for Me.

And so this morning, as I read Ann Voskamp’s words again, “The reward of loving is in the loving; loving is itself the greatest outcome of loving,” I think I’m starting to get it.

~Happy Valentine’s Day~

I Want Cookies, Too

February 7, 2015

Yesterday my daughter, Milena, and I were driving home. She was crying. Loudly. Again… It looked kind of like the picture above… except strapped in a carseat. Not my idea of a whole lot of fun. Anyway, I have learned that sometimes she just cries, and she gets so upset that I don’t think even she knows what she wants. But that doesn’t stop me from at least trying to figure it out. Sometimes I can help her and sometimes I can’t, but I do try, and if I try and can’t help her it gives me peace that at least, well, I tried.

So, it was pretty exciting when, while driving yesterday I was actually able to figure out what she wanted. Drum roll, please…

COOKIES AND PLAY. (of course!) She, at eight in the morning, wanted cookies and to play. Neither of which I could offer her in that moment.

It got me thinking…I get it, girl. I want cookies, too. And, yes! I want to play.

The problem is, life is mostly broccoli and work.

I have conversations with my kids about this reality. They usually go something like this… “I am sure you don’t want to [insert any number of unpleasant activities. Or, basic day-to-day stuff like changing underwear.] I’m not asking you to do it because it’s fun. I’m asking you to do it because you are a part of a family, and we work together. It has to be done, and we are a team.” And, depending on my level of frustration, I may or may not go on to list all of the things I do every day, not because I want to, but because I have to. In truth, very little of life is comprised of doing activities I want to do. Very little of life is cookies and play.

Paul wrote about this in Philippians. He said, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.”

In Colossians, Paul also said, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

So, where does that leave my kids? Where does that leave me??

I have two thoughts:

1) I was in a spinning class last week, and the instructor said, “Tell your brain to say ‘yes’.” It really impacted me, because I realized, here I am in this class- I’ve committed to it, and here I am. And yet, I am resisting the work. I’m thinking about how hard this is rather than submitting to the moment and welcoming the work. I think that’s what Paul meant. If I know I am supposed to be doing something, well, then stop grumbling about it and do it as for Jesus. In my Bible study this week, I was convicted. The Lord helped me see that often times I am appearing to submit to an action, but in my mind, I’m not committed to loving God and others in that moment. Lord, help me to make serving You and loving others the focus, not only in my actions, but in my mind! If it is broccoli time, eat that broccoli!

2) Undoubtedly, we all absolutely need to have some cookies and playtime. We are not workhorses. Burnout is a very real thing, and I pretty much reached that this time last year. I had to get help to create some space in my life so I could once again serve others. We need to rest. We need to laugh. We need to engage in activities that we find refreshing. It can’t be cookie and playtime all the time, but it should be some of the time.

So, may I encourage you? When is the last time you had a cookie? Do you need to be refreshed so that you might refresh others? I pray the Lord will give you insight in how to create space for that. Or, are you choking down the broccoli the Lord has served you, while grumbling in your mind (or even out loud!) about what you’d rather be having? May the Lord give you grace and courage to try engaging in those activities with thanksgiving.

She Calls Our Names

January 30, 2015

I was riding copilot on the way to the kids’ school this morning with my fifteen-year-old son behind the wheel. I must be getting more relaxed with that reality because my mind was able to actually think about something other than the road and all the other crazy drivers. We were sitting at a stoplight, and my daughter, who we adopted in March, was in the backseat reciting the names of everyone she knows- something she does quite often. “Mommy, Daddy, Bennen, Gamma, Mommy, Daddy, Ella, Mommy…” It could be that she doesn’t know very many words and just likes to talk, but, like I said, I was actually relaxed enough to let my thoughts wander to a more contemplative state.

I asked Brennen, “Do you think Milena might like to recite the names of everyone she knows because when she lived in the orphanage, she didn’t have anyone that was ‘her own’?” The thought just pierced my heart. I can just imagine her telling the world, “And this is my mom, and this is my dad, and these are my brothers, and this is my sister…”

Before, there was no one that was her very own, and now she has a long list of people that love her and call her their own. She is our daughter, our sister, our granddaughter, our niece, our cutie… and we are hers.

This thought pierced me because it struck a very real chord. WE ALL WANT TO BE KNOWN. We want to call others by their names and be called by ours.

Where does this longing to belong, to know and be known, come from? I believe God put it in us when He created us… built in to pull us back to Him. We were created to function in community and to respond to personal relationships. Can you imagine building an intimate or meaningful relationship with someone but never knowing their name? What attachment and warmth can be found in anonymity?

The dictionary defines “anonymous” as being without any name acknowledged, being of unknown name, or lacking individuality, unique character, or distinction. The truth is that even in the best of circumstances, when we are experiencing significant relationship with at least one other person, we can still feel lonely. Like there is something missing or that there are parts of us that remain unknown or misunderstood. It can create a shadow of anonymity. What is that all about??

John 10:2-4 talks about Jesus as our Shepherd. “The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”

We were create to know God. We are already known by Him. HE KNOWS YOUR NAME. You are not anonymous to Him- you are an individual with unique character and distinction. Relationships with people are a beautiful thing… but no person can touch the depths of my soul. Only the One who created me fully understands who I am. Can I release my loved ones from the expectation that I might be holding them to? Will Milena be able to release us? We are the shadow of God, who is ultimately calling her name. As she recites our names, her soul is rehearsing what it feels like to be truly known and perfectly loved.

What an incredible and beautiful honor to be the ones who are cracking open the door of her heart to the Great Name-Caller. What a privilege to be seed planters in her life.

You are known. You are loved. You are called by name.